


I love you with my heart but I adore you with my soul

by the_milky_way



Series: 25 Days of Buck and Eddie [24]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 25 Days of Fic, Alternate Universe - Canon, Blow Jobs, Caring Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Developing Relationship, Eddie Diaz Takes Care of Evan "Buck" Buckley, Fluff and Smut, Getting Together, Idiots in Love, Interlude, Light Angst, M/M, POV Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Prompt Fic, Smut, Worried Eddie Diaz, prompts, so sort of AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:47:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28301100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_milky_way/pseuds/the_milky_way
Summary: Eddie is fascinated. By the body beneath him and by the man it belongs to. Long expenses of flushed and sweaty skin to explore, reactions to coax out, sounds to listen to - all that is really happening. Just a few hours ago he wouldn’t have thought it possible.or:Eddie takes care of Buck's needs and vice versa - Eddie then reflects on why he never had the chance to be Buck's friend.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: 25 Days of Buck and Eddie [24]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2036098
Comments: 10
Kudos: 165
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	I love you with my heart but I adore you with my soul

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Holidays to everyone who celebrates. Hope they are peaceful and safe.  
> <3 Thanks for all the love.
> 
> Prompt for Day 24:
> 
> "Healing"
> 
> and Eddie going down on Buck.
> 
> So this is Part 2 of the "Hate to Love"-Series. It sort of works as an interlude, starts where Part 1 ended and is from Eddie's POV. Part 3 will be Buck and his angst again.

Eddie is fascinated. By the body beneath him and by the man it belongs to. Long expenses of flushed and sweaty skin to explore, reactions to coax out, sounds to listen to - all that is really happening. Just a few hours ago he wouldn’t have thought it possible. 

Buck’s an enigma. One Eddie has been trying to dechiffre for almost a year now. And when he thought he’d gotten to a layer, a new one was revealed. Every single time. He'd say it was interest at first sight, but that would make it too analytical. It wasn't just an interest, still isn't. It has never been that simple. He wouldn't go as far as to call it love but somewhere along the way he fell hart. 

He slowly lets his fingers glide down soft skin, marvels at the hard ridges and sharp edges he encounters. The dim light of the loft doesn’t give him much leeway to look, to take his fill. So he uses his hands, his fingers, his mouth to travel Buck’s body. Up and down and back up again. Feeling and tasting every inch of it. Despite the frantic almost overwhelming urge to claim, to let Buck know that he is wanted, Eddie also wants to satisfy his need to feel, to reassure himself that Buck is indeed alive. Still here.

He sucks at the tender skin of Buck’s hip, lets his fingers draw patterns into taut muscles and almost chuckles when the body beneath him bucks up. The drawn out moan is music to him, sounds of life, sounds of rapture even. His lips move further inward, peppering kisses along the way, sucking easy bruises into pale skin. He’s deliberately leaving out the leaking cock standing at attention right next to his mouth. Moves on to the thigh quivering with anticipation, like he’s done so for the past… he thinks minutes but it could be an hour already. 

Like on the last round he moves on to kiss the knee, to suck on the sensitive skin at the bend. Eddie smiles against the mark he left when Buck's groan of frustration for not getting his way turns into a hiss of pleasure. Buck has a lot of erogenous zones and Eddie is learning that maybe he loves to explore all of them thoroughly. He takes his time again, carefully mapping out each inch of skin that follows. 

He’s made the mistake of moving too fast the first time around, not really thinking about how Buck might feel being touched there. Having his scars kissed like this. The knee to his jaw, accidental as it was, was kinda justified. Now Eddie moves slowly, checking if Buck’s still okay with it every so often. Judging by the low mewls coming from above Buck’s doing fine right now. Eddie keeps one hand on Buck’s hip, not to force him down but to keep the contact. Buck gets a little too desperate when Eddie leaves his body for too long. He’s thinking touch starved but shoves that realization away for the moment. He wants to make Buck feel good now, so that’s what he does.

He’s on his way back up, ready to treat the other leg when Buck shifts, shoves upwards and groans again.

“Eddie… Eddie please, no more. Need to… Please.”

And he begs so prettily Eddie thinks with a fond smile, licks one last stripe into Buck’s hipbone and looks up. Buck’s a sight to behold. Disheveled to all hell, looking debauched like no one Eddie has ever seen. His curls, the ones Eddie has only ever appreciated from afar, cover his forehead in waves, make him look younger, more innocent. It makes him look a little angelic, too and Eddie’s heart stutters. It’s almost like a revelation, this sight of Buck.

“What? What do you need, Buck?”

“You… you on me. Now.”

“Say it, Buck.” 

“Fuck Eddie… fucking suck me. Stop teasing.”

Buck’s blue eyes bore into him, willing him to take action, to not deny him any longer. They both know Buck needed to be touched, to be worshipped like this before they’d do anything more. Because otherwise, it would only have been another notch for either of them. Not something real, something they’d tried to scratch their way into only to fail time and time again on the too smooth surface of their own facades. Buck’s frustrated sigh when Eddie stares too long makes him laugh, though. Impatience is a treat in Buck Eddie had figured out early on.

It’s been a while since he sucked cock. He went down on Shannon a lot, because she loved it and he does have an oral fixation when it comes to sex. But as he moves his lips to the base of Buck’s dick he marvels at how much he wants to do it right now. As he moves along the hard flesh he keeps an ear on the sounds Buck makes, grins when the drawn-in breath turns into a low moan filled with pleasure. Buck’s hand finds the back of Eddie’s head, doesn’t push, though, just gently holds on. 

Eddie moves slowly at first, sucks gentle reminders into the skin and doesn’t take Buck into his mouth at all. He licks, kisses and sucks until the hand in his hair flexes with the need to guide. At the gentlest push from Buck Eddie goes all in, sucks right underneath the head and then goes down when Buck cries out and bucks up. Eddie’s hand on his hip keeps him from going far, saves Eddie from choking, too.

“So… sorry. Surprised me,” Buck whines, softens his grip on Eddie again, even pats the hair as if to sooth. It makes him smile around the dick in his mouth and then he goes to town. Sucks and licks, lets spit run freely and adds a hand to the shaft when he's busy with the head. He’s got Buck desperate in almost no time at all. But then he has had him on the edge for a while there already. When he swirls his tongue around the head and grabs the base even harder Buck jolts.

“Eddie! Eds… I’m… god, so close.”

Eddie knows. Eddie wants him to come. To take the edge of, to settle the most urgent need. So he doubles his efforts. Sucks and swirls his tongue, massages balls with a gentle hand, lets fingers slide further down to stroke over sensitive skin. The gentlest touch at his hole, one strong suck and Buck is done. Hip surging upwards, breath hitching, hand almost painfully grabbing onto Eddie, holding him where he is. 

It’s such a turn on that Eddie can’t stop himself from rutting into the mattress, hard cock trapped between it and his own body. 

When the first bitter taste splashes on his tongue Eddie doesn’t stop. Wants it all and swallows greedily what Buck has to give. He’s never been too keen on swallowing. With Buck it’s somehow different. He softens his sucking, goes back to licks and kisses when Buck starts to writhe underneath him, starts to hiss through his moans.

Buck is vocal. So much so that Eddie is almost there just through listening to him come. Then Buck is just panting above him and Eddie gives him a minute or two. He rests his head on Buck’s hip, watches as his dick twitches in the aftershocks of his orgasm and lets his own hand wander downwards. He doesn’t get a chance to touch, though.

Buck hauls him up, onto his body and Eddie groans out when his hard cock meets the ridge between Buck’s thigh and hip. It’s the perfect place to rut into, so that’s what Eddie does while being pulled into one of the filthiest kisses he’d ever had. Buck is licking his own come from Eddie’s mouth or at least the taste of it. It shouldn’t be this hot but Buck’s tongue mapping out, chasing taste in his mouth makes Eddie go wild.

He gets up on his elbows, frames Buck’s face with both his hands and lets him ravish his mouth the way Buck seems to crave. Strong, wide hands in his back keep him in place, ground him. And Eddie chases his own release in earnest. Cock sliding against Buck’s body, seeking friction and finding it against its hard edges. It’s heaven and hell at the same time. Because it feels awesome but it’s just not enough. 

Eddie’s teetering on the edge, needing the last push to fall over but can’t find it. His frustrated grunt has Buck snorting and then laughing when he just holds on to Eddie and flips them like they weigh nothing. It’s so goddamn hot that Eddie’s leaking even more.

“What do you need, Eddie?”

“You. Your hands. Your mouth. Just you.” He’s babbling, he knows that much. He doesn’t care though. Buck’s on top of him, hips swiveling in a rhythm that has Eddie’s hips moving, too. Buck’s hard again. Or maybe still? Lets his cock slide against Eddie’s, making them both moan.

“Can have me, if you want,” Buck groans out, hitches his hips a little, just so that Eddie’s dick settles in between his cheeks. The cocky bastard grins when Eddie almost loses it then and there. 

Just the feeling of Buck on him is almost enough. His wet tip catches on the rim, stays suspended for a second and then slides underneath Buck’s balls with the next twitch of his hips. It’s glorious torture and Eddie just wants to come now. Needs to, feels riled up to a degree where he honestly thinks he might explode.

“Later. Okay? Need to come now. Buck, please.”

Buck looks so excited at the prospect that Eddie can’t help but pull him down into a searing kiss. He seals them together in a way he’s never experienced with anybody else before. It’s staggering how much he wants Buck, how much he wants to keep being close to him. Buck’s on a mission, though, turns the kiss dirty and wet. Slides his hand between the bodies and pumps them both, slick with sweat and pre-come. Lube would make it smoother but neither of them reach for it where it lies discarded on the bed.

On one particular twist of Buck’s wrist Eddie chokes on a labored breath, lets the groan take over and feels his body tighten up. Little sizzles of pleasure sing along his every nerve, wreck him in such a good way that he’s drunk on it, feels like it anyway. Head dizzy, body on the brink and heart pounding in his chest Eddie opens his eyes.

It’s what tips him over, the sight of Buck watching him. Blue eyes wide with wonder, like he can’t believe he’s the one doing this to Eddie. Like he can’t believe he’s actually allowed to have this. Eddie feels his body surge upwards, meeting Buck’s hand in its downwards twist. Ropes of come splatter over Buck’s hand, his arm and land on Eddie’s chest. He comes so hard he’s sure he loses a minute there. 

He comes down to soft kisses and gentle words whisper into his skin. Buck is pressed close to his side, plastered half across Eddie’s body without any inclination of moving any time soon. They’ll curse themselves later, when skin is crusted over and they are almost glued together. Right now, they revel in the afterglow, float on the feeling of being together. Eddie manages to drape the bedspread over them before he succumbs to the lure of sleep. Satisfied and the urgent need settled for now.

+++

Eddie wakes up to soft snores against his neck, a strong arm draped over his chest and a feeling of finally having arrived at a place where he’s actually meant to be. The loft is dark, only dipped into orange stripes of light that filters in through the huge windows from below. Buck’s bed feels great, perfect even and Eddie suddenly wonders if that’s one of the things Buck splurges on.

He realizes how little he actually knows about the man in his arms. He carefully moves them so that he’s more on his side than on his back. Buck looks settled in his sleep, peaceful and untroubled - a far cry from the man he usually sees. Eddie lets the tips of his fingers slide along the smoothed out skin at Buck’s jaw, following the bones down to the chin and back again. Buck only snuffles a little, burrows deeper into the pillow but never wakes.

Eddie thinks about how they ended up here, in this moment. Naked, sweaty, warm. Legs tangled, bodies seeking each other, close but still so far apart. That a single misunderstanding in the beginning took their chance at being friends away is something Eddie has been processing for months now. He’s still not sure if he understands it all. He only knows that the picture he had of Buck, from watching him, from listening to others talk, from actually asking Maddie once or twice is so woefully incomplete and partly even false that Eddie aches with the knowledge of missed opportunities.

How they could have been, what they could have done for each other, the ways they could have helped - it’s all lost in time now. Nothing can ever bring that back. But Eddie can try to create new chances, new ways of getting to know each other. Starting with sex may not be the most failsafe way to go about it. But it’s something they both want right now and he’s so damn tired of missing chances, of letting moments go by unused.

He’s not sure what it is that he feels for Buck but he knows it’s something he can’t hide from. It’s deep and captivating, new and unknown but it’s also something he has been craving for a while. Even when Shannon was still alive, when they tried to save a marriage that was virtually non-existent at that time, even then he caught himself thinking about Buck. He just never knew how to actually talk to him, how to attempt any kind of relationship with him.

They all thought Buck was going through a bad break up, thought he’d pull himself out and up again. They’d invited him along a lot when Eddie was new, trying to establish a team dynamic. They didn’t think it weird that Buck declined or didn’t answer at all, too caught up in their own personal dramas at the time, hoping Buck would come to them for help. 

Only, it never happened and with time they lost contact or in his case never got the chance to establish one. And they never realized that a simple misunderstanding caused it all. Eddie’s pretty sure that half the team still doesn’t know. He’s tried talking to Chim about it, that maybe Buck’s had a reason to be distant. He doesn’t know if that talk has happened yet.

Of all the people he got to know since he moved to L.A. Eddie thinks Hen’s probably the one he’s closest to. They aren’t best friends or anything but every time he needs someone to talk to, she is there. She is the one who told him about Buck’s reckless nature in the beginning, regalled stories about heroism and about his good heart. But even Hen couldn’t tell him how to go about forming a decent relationship with Buck. She was clueless as to why Buck drew back into himself more and more, why he never seemed interested in getting to know Eddie.

Even Maddie couldn’t help once she started being around the 118 more often. She hinted at depressive phases, a troubled past but went never into details, always reminded them it’s Buck’s story to tell. So they all waited, watched and hoped for Buck to find it in him to seek help if he needed it. They stood back and never realized that this was exactly the wrong way to go about it. 

And Eddie still ended up being utterly fascinated by Buck, developing a crush like he hasn’t done since highschool. But knowing someone on the surface is more like just knowing about someone. It creates a picture with different perspectives but never really offers the overall impression - the picture in its entirety.

Buck sighs in his sleep. Eddie smiles. He wants to have more of that. More moments where he can be with Buck without any kind of history between them, without any misunderstandings hanging above their heads. Without Buck almost dying in his arms again being the cause for them actually being together in the first place.

Eddie lies there a while, gently tracing lines on Buck’s skin, taking in the sight of the man he’s sure he’s falling in love with - even though he doesn’t really know him yet. It’s his bladder that forces him out of bed and out of Buck's arms in the early hours of the morning. He finds the bathroom after stubbing his toe twice and running into a door frame once. 

After he is done, Eddie wanders downstairs, explores the spaces he hasn’t had the chance to see when he came in. He’s never been in Buck’s place before, feels a little strange snooping around in the dark while Buck is sleeping upstairs. He also feels sort of weird doing it naked. He grabs a glas from the kitchen island, fills it with water and then settles against the balcony windows - hidden in the shadows in case someone is actually awake and watching.

He takes in the view, appreciates that he can see the city as it is - alight and never pausing. He thinks this place fits Buck or at least the parts of Buck he knows. He has seen Buck using his sharp mind to rescue people, has heard him spout random facts in the few rare moments he actually engaged in conversations. He has watched Buck being awesome with kids and heartbreakingly gentle with victims who were almost gone. He’s seen and encountered a lot of facets but only ever from afar. 

Soft noises from the loft bring him out of his wandering thoughts. At first Eddie thinks Buck’s just waking up but when those soft sounds turn into distressed cries Eddie’s moving fast. He’s heard those cries far too often lately. And he’s kicking himself for not checking up on Buck sooner for not actually asking Maddie outright where Buck was and how he was doing. He almost jumps up the stairs, takes two at a time and slides across the wooden floorboards when he sees Buck writhing underneath the cover.

Buck’s crying openly now - desperate sobs and words Eddie doesn’t understand get mingled and for a second there Eddie isn’t sure what to do. But then Buck surges upwards, cries out Chris’ name and starts to frantically look around for the boy. Eddie’s on the bed and has Buck in his arms not a second later.

Buck’s drenched in sweat, skin slippery when Eddie pulls him into his lap. They are both still naked but Eddie really doesn’t care right now. He feels Buck’s rapid heartbeat when he slides his arms around the shaking man and presses them together back to chest. 

“Buck. Hey. It’s okay. You are safe. You are home. Shhh.. come on, breathe with me. Like before. Remember? Breathe in, hold it, breathe out… Yeah, that’s good. Again. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. And again.”

Buck’s listening, following. Like the first time he’s ever had to talk him down from a panic attack. This time though it takes longer to divest Buck of the last remnants of the attack, of the nightmare. Once he’s reasonably calm, Eddie buries his face in Buck’s sweaty curls and breathes himself.

“Chris?” It comes small and low from where Buck is now hiding against Eddie’s chest.

“With my abuela. She wanted to have him for the night when he begged for her tres leches as a nightmare remedy. Maybe we could get you some, too.”

There is a sound that settles between a laugh and a sob. It breaks Eddie’s heart even more. Why did nobody realize what this man went through lately? How could anyone that deemed themselves close to Buck overlook his fraught state of mind? Eddie doesn’t exclude himself from that question even though he was the one with the least connections to Buck. But maybe because of that, of the distance, he should have seen it earlier.

“Come on, let's get you showered and then back to bed. We both can use more sleep.”

“Did I wake you?” Buck mumbles when Eddie manages to get him on his feet and on the way to the bathroom without much of a stumble or a struggle.

“No. I was awake. Was taking in the view from your wall of glass.”

It even generates a chuckle from Buck so Eddie takes it as a win. It isn’t much but Eddie likes the fact that Buck seems to trust him to take care of him. The shower is quick, just to get clean, get rid of the crust and sweat from before, of the lingering tendrils of nightmare from now. 

When they are clad in fresh sweats and settled into bed again, Eddie doesn’t hesitate to pull Buck into his arms. Buck moves into it without hesitation, sighs softly when he can bury his face against Eddie’s chest again and clings to him like he needs the contact to ground himself in reality.

They lie like this, basking in the closeness, in the warmth of the other, without needing to say anything. They are both wide awake now, sleepy and craving rest but still too charged to actually fall asleep. Buck’s kissing Eddie's chest from time to time, soft pecks and tiny licks. Not to arouse just to make sure he’s there.

“Chris has had nightmares every night.” Is what Eddie finally exhales into the bluish darkness of a pending morning.

“‘M sorry,” Buck mutters, lips moving against Eddie’s skin.

“Not your fault. And judging by tonight, you aren’t faring any better. I’m sorry that I haven’t checked up on you. But Maddie said you needed rest.”

“Guess my sister doesn’t know me as well as she thinks. She… ‘s tryin’ to protect me. But I… would have liked to have someone around... I... Sorry it was me watching Chris.”

Eddie tightens the hold he has on Buck, trying to find the right words to underline how okay he is with Buck watching Christopher. He inhales once, exhales slowly and then places a soft kiss against Buck’s head.

“It’s really, really okay. You saved him. You saved his life, Buck. There’s nothing… nothing I could ever do to repay you. And I know how great you are with kids. May apologized. But you don’t have to, don’t need to. Wish I had known you were there.”

Buck moves an inch, just to turn onto his side so that he can hold onto Eddie better. Eddie is running his fingers up and down Buck’s spine, maps the knobs of vertebrae and muscles moving underneath warm skin. It’s a distraction as much as a coping mechanism. He needs to touch Buck right now, needs to hold on to something.

“I… didn’t have your number. Chris wanted to call you. So I found an ambulance. They reached Bobby but I wasn’t allowed to speak, ‘cause wasn’t on duty,” Buck yawns into Eddie’s chest, letting a soft kiss follow in apology. 

Eddie smiles at the gesture that he now can identify as so inherently Buck that it hurts a little. How could he have missed this man so completely when he was there the entire time? How is it possible that they lived parallel lives without colliding just once?

“Dios, Buck. I… I’m sorry.” Eddie’s still bad at finding the right words. So he lets action speak again, ducks his head down and finds Buck’s lips waiting. He loses himself in the kiss, feels himself sinking deeper into feelings that will mean even more by daylight. 

They both get lost in the movements of bodies, hands and mouths. It’s not a healing of anything but it’s a beginning of something they both need and want. When he takes Buck with the first rays of the rising sun shining down on them, it’s as poetic as it can be. But also so mundane and simple and easy that Eddie’s only able to surrender and admit that he’ll do everything to keep Buck close. With him. By his side.

End of Part 2

TBC

**Author's Note:**

> This was actually written before Buck went all angsty in my head and demanded to be let out in Part 1. So I really, really hope this makes sense at all. Because I went over it, had it beta-read and changed things again so many times that I am not convinced that it actually fits anymore.  
> Anyway, the boys wanted to have sex, so they got to do that.
> 
> Thank you, A. Feliz Navidad.  
> <3


End file.
